


Eric Andre Interviews

by Dark Automaton (0Dark_Automaton0)



Category: The Eric Andre Show, Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (like racism abortion ableism etc), Bird Up, Crack, Discussion of Controversial Topics, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Political Humor, Sexual Humor, Swearing, Violent Humor, the usual crap you'd find on The Eric Andre Show
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-18 08:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16991421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0Dark_Automaton0/pseuds/Dark%20Automaton
Summary: Eric Andre interviews VLD characters, usual chaos ensues.(Full interviews this time!)





	Eric Andre Interviews

“He’s the man with the plan, please welcome Keith Kogane!”

Keith walked onto the stage, "Ocean Man" by Ween playing from the dead-eyed band's speakers, and found his nose assaulted by the smell of rotting seafood. On stage was Eric Andre, the host, and Hannibal Buress, the cohost. Keith felt it in his gut that something was off, or perhaps that was nausea from the smell. He took a seat where Hannibal had vacated and shook Eric and Hannibal’s hands.

“So, you ever had an STD?” Eric started off with. Keith blinked,

“Uh, no? Why would you ask me that?”

“You know, this one time,” Eric said, “I screwed a Galra chick while the Earth was being invaded, cause, you know, if you can’t beat ‘em, fuck ‘em.”

“That’s not how that goes,” Keith said, frowning a little.

“Well, yeah, so, after that happened, I got crabs,” Eric said, laughing as if this was casual locker room banter, “I mean literal crabs shooting out my asshole, it hurt like hell.”

“Wow,” Keith said, leaning away from Eric and giving him a skeptical yet wary look, “I don’t think that’s normal.”

A crunch behind his head made Keith look behind him, and he saw Hannibal wearing a curly rose-pink wig, eating Doritos. Hannibal said,

“You know, they say that variety is the spice of life, but then they turn around and say shit like ‘the floor of Congress is going to look like an Islamic republic’ when there’s only, like, less than a handful of Muslim congresspeople out of hundreds?”

“That’s messed up,” Keith agreed, confused but nodding his head.

“Hey, so, have you ever gotten, like,” Eric piped up, waving one hand in the air in a frenzied chopping motion, “Sword injuries?”

“Oh, yeah,” Keith said, relieved to hear a normal question, “Sometimes mishaps happen in training, sometimes an enemy cut you in battle. It happens all the time.”

“You ever see anything like this?” Eric asked, pulling a claymore from under his desk. He gave a war cry, like a blood-soaked barbarian charging at his enemies for glory before men had words, and slammed the sword into his desk, splitting it in half and making Keith jump from his seat.

“What the fuck?!” Keith yelled, feeling something under his shoe. He looked down, to see a sea of live blue crabs.

_We’ll Be Right Back…_

_\---_

“And we’re back!” Eric said, watching Keith try to pry one last crab off his boot.

A tennis ball on the end of a stick poked Keith gently at the back of his head, “Snakey” later being edited in begging Keith to help him kill his ex-wife in a skater's voice, and he squeezed his eyes shut and counted to ten. _“Ten more minutes, Keith, ten more minutes and you can get the hell out of here,”_ he told himself.

“So, how did you get into the whole Voltron thing?”

“It’s a long story,” Keith said, not even looking up at him, “We found the Blue Lion not too far from the Garrison base in Nevada, and it took me and the others to Allura and Coran, and the rest is history.”

“Cool, co-” Eric coughed into his hand and lurched.

“Are you okay?” Keith asked, noticing the milky white fluid dripping from Eric’s hand.

Eric tried to let out a muffled, “I’m fine,” but suddenly he was vomiting at high pressure into his hand, gurgling and yelling.

Keith stood up to get out of the blast range, and turned to Hannibal, and ordered, “Go call a doctor. I’m going to see if there are any paper towels in the bathroom.”

“Nah,” Hannibal said, watching Eric’s violent heaving with a look of detached wonder, “There’s never any towels.”

Keith struggled to open the screen door he entered from, and yelled, “Did you guys lock me in?! Come on, already!”

Finally, he drew his bayard, and slashed the doors open, knocking over one of the cheap statues next to it. Keith stormed out, and Eric stopped the waterworks for a moment to de-introduce him,

“Keith Kogane, ladies and gentlemen.”


End file.
